Tuesday, July 22, 2014


Das hier hab ich geschrieben, als ich noch mitten in der (schweren) Depression war, mittlerweile geht es mir besser.
I wrote this, when I was still in the midst of a severe major depression. I'm recovering right now and already doing much better.

I'm not feeling depressed. I am suffering from depression. Depression is not a feeling. I dont have the blues and I'm not feeling a bit sad. Depression is a condition.
My depression is always there. It affects every single thing in my life and makes everything hard or (nearly) impossible to do. It affects what I do, what I think, how I feel and it changed my personality.
I can not get up in the mornings. I sleep very long and when I manage to wake up it still takes hours to actually move my depressed body out of bed. I can be thirsty, hungry or in need to go to the bathroom and yet it'll still take me hours and hours till I actually manage to get myself something to drink/eat or go to the bathroom. Depression makes me feel like I was literally paralyzed, except that I'm physically healthy.
My thoughts often take place in the past. I think a lot about the positive things that used to be and never will be or about negative events that I experienced that I can not make undone.
I forgot how to feel positive emotiones. It's like someone erased happiness out of my life. Yet I'm an expert on negative emotiones. I cant describe them though. I can not describe what depression feels like.
Depression deprives you of any kind of joy, happiness, or hope. It will make you feel miserable and it will convince you that things will never possibly get any better. When you're stuck in this horrible, dark place without any hope of improvement, you will start thinking of any possible way out of this. Often times suicide might seem like the only way out. You'll feel like you cant die, but you cant live either. Its a constant struggle to stay alive (at least physically, emotionally you might already feel dead). Depression is a lethal illness.
Depression makes you speechless. I tried to capture a few aspects of my depression in the last paragraphs. In the end though Depression is an illness that you can not describe to anyone who has never experienced it. Depression hurts every day and every minute, yet if you try to scream out the pain you stay mute.

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